The reality of being a working twin mum
A quote recently popped up on my social media that went something like this: When a Flamingo raises its babies, it loses its pink. The sheer intensity of raising an infant drains the mother of its famous pink colour. Eventually their colour returns; you will get your pink back.
Social media does it again and manages to pinpoint exactly how I feel. Now I must admit, I was cocky in the beginning. If you have read the previous blogs or listened to our podcast, you will know that I actively wanted twins- I manifested them. You may have too - wished for a miracle and have been blessed with two. Or took the leap and had 2 embryos implanted during IVF. Either way, I have never been more happy and fulfilled than becoming a twin mum to Ted and Erin. I actually felt MORE confident. I was combi breastfeeding and raising two babies. I managed to get them to nap and sleep through the night. I got out for walks and even managed a baby signing group with the help of the lovely Deb at sing and sign and a dear friend, Lo. I had worked for 12 years as a teacher and had a good insight of child development, different types of play and had a song for every part of the day. I love a routine, made them home cooked dinners - you name it, I did it and I loved it. I even managed to squeeze some time to get my eyelashes done every now and then. My hair was longer and thicker than before because of the pregnancy hormones, I was getting by on maternity pay and was in awe of watching the twins grow and learn new skills each week.
Then it was time to return to work.
By 9 months, I was sort of ready to get back to my old identity a bit and start contributing more to the household. I had arranged childcare for 2 days a week with family and had my plan ready to get back to teaching (Monday and Tuesdays) for a few months and then begin my level 4 counselling qualification come September. I had a plan. I had a plan. I had a plan…. But as you know, especially with twins, plans go out the window!
Work could only have me back 3 days a week and that was at the end of the week. I didn’t have child care for those days and time was running out - as was the maternity pay! By some miracle and a lot of help from my family, I managed to get family members to help watch for the twins for 2 of the days, but the third day required a nursery. This is what caused me the most guilt I think. They were 9 months old. How could I trust strangers all day to watch my manifested miracles? They would not be the only babies in the room, how could they possibly give the twins their undivided attention and meet their individual needs like I can? Will they nap there? Will Ted and Erin think I have abandoned them? ALL the questions went through my mind. Then came the bill and that’s a whole other blog!
Somehow as a family we have made it work. My incredible aunt, of whom I have fond memories of looking after me as a child, comes to our house to have them one day a week so they are settled and happy in their own environment. On another day, Rob makes the hour round trip to my mum’s so she can have them, and I make the hour round trip to collect them at the end of the day. Friday is nursery day. (To put your mind at ease with Nursery and how it works I shall write my next blog on this for you and spoiler alert - the twins love it! The nursery is amazing and they are developing so well there.)
I am more than aware of how lucky I am to have a job that gives me weekends off with the twins and holidays. I am incredibly lucky that Rob can get the twins to Mum and that he works from home. I am blessed to have a mum that, yes, is half an hour away, but a Mum nonetheless who can look after the twins for me and BOSS it! Finding a Nursery that has taken both twins on and is fairly local was a miracle in itself.
So why am I feeling the way I am?
I;m beyond stressed and I just feel like i’m different parts of someone doing half jobs everywhere and seemingly not managing any of them well. I feel like a part time mum; I am a part time teacher and then I threw in the mix retraining to be an adult and child therapist, and I don’t feel that gets the attention it deserves either. I used to be a pillar of calm for the twins and manage all the hectic part-time-ness of the classroom. I was up to date with my journals at counselling school, hey I even got a 10 minute meditation in when the twins went to bed. (A combination of bi-polar and an undiagnosed ADHD hyperfocus for the win!) I ran on meticulous time management, coffee, red wine and always took Saturday morning to myself to re-charge, before cracking on with planning and my a thousand word essay on what I have learnt in regards to counselling concepts that week.
Then came the crash of reality! The twins well and truly hit the attachment and tantrum phase! Leaving them Tuesday at 2:30pm and not seeing them again until the morning briefly, before dashing out the door again at 7am for the next 3 days, naturally the twins started to miss Mummy more and with it my guilt grew. So I started skipping my mum time - it was selfish and I was missing my kids. Instead I had an extra hour in bed to recharge, have breakfast with them and then retire to the study. Cram in what learning I could, before the guilt hit again and I would pick up the twins for cranky hour. You know that weird time between 4 and 6pm when the twins are hungry, tired, overstimulated, missing you and just generally struggling to regulate. I had them back to myself Sunday/Monday - but then the work guilt started growing! Constant pings of emails, trying to keep up with what is happening in class so I have some preparation for what I am walking into. Plus I wanted to look professional. The twins picked up on my stress and with it became more dysregulated and bigger tantrums started. I have just about been managing to keep the calm, regulate them, practise all my teacher and child therapist theory. Then it’s quick out the door Tuesday afternoon for what actually is a bit of me time - but 6 hours of study is intense in the late afternoon/evening. Not to mention when you train to become a counsellor - ALL your trauma, all the negative feelings you bury, all the parts of yourself you are ashamed of- they ALL come up to the surface and hit you like a tonne of bricks! (Luckily, as part of the training we practise counselling on each other, as well as having to embark on a year’s worth of therapy ourselves. But that again is ANOTHER thing I have to fit in.)
I’m overwhelmed writing this. I need to work to pay the bills; I’m re-training to follow my passion, help other adults and children out there and make a more meaningful life for my family. But yet somewhere in all the midst of these part time pieces of Kelly, I am losing myself. I feel like I’m drowning and failing and yet here is the kicker. As Mum’s we are meant to work as if we don’t have children, yet raise children as if we don’t work. If your children are ill, you should stay at home and look after them, but then you won’t get paid and you're just taking a day off work to sit with an ill child and do nothing right? (omg, ill twins are so much harder!!) We are encouraged to have self care, but not at the expense of spending time with your children. We are meant to look presentable enough that we don’t clearly look like we are struggling, but not too good that people question what the kids are up to whilst you doll yourself up the day. We are meant to stay calm for our children and adhere to ‘gentle parenting,’ but don’t be too soft because we don’t want to raise spoiled children (FYI, children will NOT be spoiled with gentle parenting as long as you hold firm boundaries. And they physically need to be taught how to regulate through you co-regulating with them.) My nails are in a state and any nail polish either comes off in the washing up, or my nails are too long for dealing with nappies and small children at home and at work. All my lucious pregnancy hair is now thin, falling out and straggly and there is really no point having nice hair for two toddlers to pull at it or put their sticky fingers through. Make up - ha, who for? My old 6-pack days are gone and instead I am 19 months post-partum and STILL haven't fixed my separated ab muscles back together. I can’t seem to commit to any regular exercise, because I just feel too knackered. Then there is the fact I need to make sure I still have fun with Rob.
The point is -it has finally hit me! I am in the mix of juggling motherhood with twins and for the first time since they were born, I am not bossing it and I am just about treading the water enough so I can catch some vital breaths to keep frantically kicking. I don’t feel my calm. I am questioning everything. Have I taken on too much? Will this affect the twins? Can I now manifest a lottery win to help?
Actually the answer is a bit simpler….
Prioritising me, is actually prioritising the twins. I am more efficient, calmer and a better mum when I have “me time.” I have more energy to make meaningful memories with them and I can co-regulate better with them.
None of the mentioned jobs or titles is actually WHO I am, it is what I do. There is a difference and as for being presentable, maybe there is some balance in that brushed hair and a bit of mascara makes you feel good about yourself.
Turn notifications off on non-working days. I don’t get extra pay or credit - just the assumption they can ask me to do more and I end up doing MORE.
To get more energy, you have to exercise! Put the red wine down, turn off escaping via a doom scroll and crack on with a 30 min ab exercise on youtube- it is actually the only thing that will fix the diastasis recti!
You can always find 10 minutes to put on a mediation when the twins go down
Be kind to yourself; there are enough people out there ready to judge and criticise, you don’t need to be one of them!
It's not forever - there will be a time when I have free time a plenty, and I will probably be craving them at this age again.
