The Loneliness of being a Twin Mum:

I can safely say that being a twin mum has surrounded me with so much love, yet I can often feel isolated and alone. The twins are my only children so I have never had anything to compare this with, but all I know is sometimes I feel like I have this huge superpower (that is I grew, birthed, fed and kept two babies alive at the same time) yet few truly connect with me. I have often looked longingly at the group of mums in the park, who are enjoying a chat. Their child seems to stay close by, whilst they enjoy a coffee and their hair and make up always seems to look on point. Me on the other hand, I am on high alert looking out for two and desperately trying to herd them into the same direction, a bit like a human sheep dog. My hair in a messy bun and my clothes stained with one thing or another. I have showered today and got myself ready, yet somehow having been a human climbing frame for two, I look a mess!  The group of singleton mums may look over and glance with a kind, “are they twins?” in between the moments my two are occupied together. My reply, full of smiles as I beam proudly,

“yes,” often met with a, 

“I don’t know how you do it, one is hard enough!” and then the conversation begins to trail off. 

“It’s all I’ve ever known,” I say or, “I think having a 3 year old and a newborn baby must be hard because they are on two separate schedules;” a desperate last attempt to connect. But that is often it. They do not understand my situation and I do not understand theirs, plus they have already made a group of friends -  the twin mum just stands out, or perhaps looks too busy to join them!

Then there are the baby groups. I would bound in with a car seat under each arm and spend the next 5 minutes taking out the twins and getting us ready for the class to begin. Once again I look around and I sense that sometimes people pity me having to worry about two crying. This I found odd because I do not pity me. I go into super twin mum mode, hoist two babies onto my chest and rock and bounce them both at the same time, one over each shoulder, into a state of calm. Then the pity turns into a spectacle. Again some mums talk to me and make the usual comments praising me for how I handle two, but again whilst they sit and play with one, enjoying a sip of tea and some freedom, I am on a double feed and a double bum change. I must add in here though, I did find my baby group leader was a gem and she often brought me over a tea; I would also try to go with my friend who would help and this made all the difference.  During these times I would feel less alone. 

Next we have the comments! Nothing makes you feel more shit then when you have finally managed to get out the house, stressing trying to find a bloody twin trolley and all people seem to want to say are negative digs like, “double trouble, you’ve got your hands full or better you than me!” That last one has to hurt the most and damn right better me than you, because clearly you would not be able to raise twins as well as I am! Still, I often welcome the comments as it allows me to feel more connected, but the under hand digs, I always come back swinging with the proud declaration of, “I wanted twins, I love being a twin mum, they are so good and double the love!”

Yet still as they get older I am filled with a sense of guilt. I never took them swimming on my own because it was just not safe. I couldn’t give them the 1:1 they always needed so I was always panicked that they were not as advanced as the other babies their age. They have , and do catch up, so try not to dwell on this, but still the loneliness stays. Just this weekend I was at a birthday party for our friend's 1 year old daughter. Rob had gone to catch up with his friends, whilst I watched the twins. I desperately tried to make small talk with one of the other mums, but again it felt short. Again whilst their children went off and played, I had my eye constantly on two, and what made it more isolating was probably the fact that this was Rob’s circle of friends not mine. I could not have been more grateful when he came, put his arm around me, kissed me and sat in the shade with me as we let our 2 year olds roam infront of us. This is why a supportive partner allows you to feel more super mum and less loner in the corner.

So, this is why I have an instagram account. (The_collaboration_twins) I share real life stories, events, pictures and anecdotes so you feel less alone and more like a superhero! It’s why I do this blog and have the website, so you feel less alone. Because having twins is the most intense, joyful, terrifying, exciting and loneliest time; but I wouldn’t have it any other way.